


A Pleasant Pain

by DumbWoojae



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: And perhaps way too fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, I'm sorry Johnny, M/M, Nurse Jaehyun, Patient Johnny, Perhaps too much crying, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 15:06:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11992251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DumbWoojae/pseuds/DumbWoojae
Summary: Oh, you really should be careful with what you wish for





	A Pleasant Pain

**Author's Note:**

> BEFORE YOU CONTINUE: There are some things I need to warn you about. 
> 
> Beforehand, I'm sorry, there are some stuff here I didn't mention in tags because, well, spoiler isn't my favorite thing, please don't hate me. Also, there are a few things (medical, I mean) that do not apply to reality, but where's the fun on making everything so literal anyway right? I hope you enjoy this work despite all.

The first thing Youngho feels is nothing at all.

 

He can’t feel his legs, neither his arms, he can't feel a goddamn thing and that’s so terrifying he wants to scream, but the tube down his throat prohibits him to.

 

That’s just the first day of Youngho’s new life.

 

The last thing he remembers is being in a car ride with his friends and then he wakes up in a hospital, _six fucking months later,_ just to find out he’s quadriplegic now.

 

_Quadriplegic._

The first time he tried to use his arms was a mess of desperation, he could barely move them but his hands were totally out of use, the doctor said it was a good sign, that it meant the lesion was not as severe as it could have been and that with therapy he might even be able to move his hands again.

 

As hard as it is, he gets used to it. He is forced to. He gets a nice lady to help him out here and there. He makes therapy. He goes on.

 

Therapy is hard, more than just exhausting for his now barely useless body, but it does help, his hands are clumsy, he barely can make a fist, but he’s getting there, getting better day by day, or so the doctor says.

 

Just when he thinks he’s gotten used to it three years later, Hyeon, the nurse that helps him out, has a family matter so she has to quit the job.

 

But it’s okay, Youngho reassures her and himself, he’ll find someone else.

 

His mother interviews several people, she talks and talks to Youngho about the people she has met and how she likes or dislikes them. She also brings pictures for him but he refuses to see them most of the time, he has no interest in their faces but their studies and capability. He doubts he can find someone as Hyeon, though, because she had the perfect combination between professional and kind and also lots of experience. Silently, Youngho wishes her well.

 

One particular day his mother is especially talkative about one of the persons she interviewed. His name is YoonOh and she rambles about his kindness and his grades, she even mentions he is _so handsome Youngho, a very attractive boy,_ like that mattered at all. However, curiosity has always been Youngho’s weak point so when she asks if he wants to see a picture he rolls his eyes but nods anyway and oh, _oh._

He really is a pretty handsome guy.

 

His hair is soft blonde, his lips are full, his eyes so dark and his skin so pale, Youngho can’t take his eyes off the picture.

 

“So what do you think?” his mother happily asks, and he rolls his eyes once again just for the show.

 

“He seems pretty normal to me.”

 

But of course that’s bullshit. Youngho has probably never seen a more beautiful human in his 25 years of life. But that’s not something he can tell to his mother, because it’s not ethical, she would hire him right away just because of that.

 

Youngho knows she’ll choose him anyway even if he picks someone else, so he tells her to hire the one she thinks is decently capable without any further word –Ethical shit can burn in hell for what he cares anyway.

 

He doesn’t have a clue of the mistake he made.

 

He gets an idea though, the first day YoonOh stands in his doorframe and knocks with two knuckles despite the door being open. His hair is down and it’s just long enough that it falls over his eyebrows, his skin is paler than it looked in the picture, almost snow pale and so so beautiful, he has a little polite smile on his face and _oh oh hold on it’s that a dimple? He fucking has dimples? I’m doomed._

 

“Good afternoon, Mr. Seo” He starts, and Youngho would have been mad of being called ‘Mr. Seo’ because he’s not 50 but he’s distracted by YoonOh’s beautifully melodic voice, “I’m YoonOh, I’ll be taking care of you” he bows, and the fact that his face is out of sight even just for a second brings Youngho back to reality.

 

“I’m Youngho” he says, his voice a bit too deep and raspy because he hasn’t talked in a few hours so he clears his throat embarrassed and repeats, “I’m Youngho, Mr. Seo is my father.”

 

YoonOh’s ears turn a bright red and _that’s so cute why is he this cute that should be illegal_.

“I’m sorry, sir.”

 

“How old are you?” Youngho asks and he feels rather impolite, his voice too rough in his own ears.

 

YoonOh looks at him in a mix of confused and intimidated when he answers, “I’m 23, sir.”

 

“I’m 25, don’t “sir” me just yet.”

 

“Then is it okay if I call you hyung?” he asks, his ears turning red again.

 

“Sure” He turns his head back to the window he was staring through before his new companion came in before YoonOh could notice Youngho’s cheeks turning as red as his ears.

 

 

 

 

 

 

YoonOh’s company is nice, he’s quiet and efficient. Youngho feels a little bad though, because he has the feeling that YoonOh thinks he dislikes him.

 

What he never expects though, is for YoonOh to voice it out.

 

“Do you hate me?” he says one afternoon while feeding Youngho, his dark eyes staring into Youngho’s soul while his soft voice fills the living room of the elder’s house.

 

Youngho is startled. He looks at those beautiful eyes for a second too long before answering.

 

“Why would you think that?” Youngho asks, and admires YoonOh’s ears turning red like the first day they met.

 

“You… I mean” his voice is shaky while he puts the spoon between Youngho’s lips again, “You won’t talk to me, hyung. You won’t even look at me, I quite feel like you might as well hate me.”

 

First things first, Youngho doesn’t hate YoonOh at all. It’s quite otherwise, he likes him pretty much, but he has this juvenile feeling of shyness inside of him whenever YoonOh is around. He doesn’t talk to him because he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t look at him because he’s so beautiful he knows if he does, he won’t be able to get his eyes to move anywhere else but the young nurse. Sometimes Youngho won’t even ask for his help because for some weird reason he’s too ashamed despite this person is being paid exactly for that.

 

“I don’t know what to say” Youngho answers with the truth, “I don’t see why you would want to talk to me so I don’t even try.”

 

YoonOh smiles sadly at him, “Why wouldn’t I want to talk to you hyung?”

 

_Stop calling me hyung, my chest feels weird every time you do._

 

“I don’t know” Youngho shrugs, “we don’t seem to have many things in common I guess.”

 

YoonOh cleans his lower lip with his thumb and Youngho has no idea why in earth he would do that when there are napkins beside him if it’s not because he knows about the attraction Youngho feels and wants to torture him.

 

“Maybe if we talked a bit we would know” YoonOh gifts him with a wide smile showing two deep dimples at full display for the very first time.

 

_Oh my god I am really, really doomed._

 

 

 

 

 

 

It takes barely two months for them to become close friends.

 

Youngho even allows YoonOh to take him to therapy when no one but his mom had that right before –She keeps telling Youngho how jealous she is, but he knows she’s happy that he finally got to open to someone else, even if just a bit.

 

They talk a lot more than Youngho expected, it turns out they do have many things in common.

 

Everything seems too great to be real and Youngho has the suspect that it won’t last long. Because nothing good last long.

 

And of course, Youngho is right.

 

One afternoon around 2 pm he decides to take a nap, he does not know how long he slept before pain wakes him up, his chest hurts, feels contracted, and his lungs burn, he can’t breathe, his mouth is open and his head thrown aback, the lack of air preventing him from making a sound.

 

Respiratory failures aren’t an uncommon thing in Youngho’s life, but he can’t tell he ever gets used to them, also, there has been a while since the last time he experienced one and how stupid of him to almost forget about it. There’s a button close to his bed that makes a bell ring in the living room, but he can’t bring himself to move at all, it’s so intense he can’t do anything but gasp for air so he has no idea how to call for YoonOh.

 

Maybe are a few minutes later, maybe a few hours, for Youngho feels like an eternity before YoonOh opens his door to check on him. He listens while the younger rushes to his side and is barely conscious of being moved around.

 

Youngho closes his eyes, and subsides to the pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When he wakes up he’s wearing his oxygen mask, it’s dark outside, he knows because the curtain of his bedroom’s window is open and he can see the stars shining outside. The clock by his bed says it’s 11:42 pm. but that’s not what gets his attention.

 

Right beside him, YoonOh is asleep. He’s sitting on a chair, half of his body in the mattress with his head resting on Youngho’s forearm, his right hand firmly wrapped around Youngho’s own.

 

His heart skips a beat and he wonders what is exactly the name of this warm feeling on his chest, It can’t be _that_ , no, definitely not _that_. He permits himself to look at YoonOh sleep for a few more minutes before he tightens his hand around the younger’s.

 

“Hey, you” he says in a playful mean tone, his words muffled by the oxygen mask, “What are you doing here, don’t you have a house to go to?”

 

YoonOh stirs and straightens his back slowly, looking at Youngho with sleepy eyes and a tiny, relieved smile.

 

For a horrifying second Youngho wonders how it would be to wake up to see that smile every morning.

 

“No, actually I live in a cardboard box.” He answers, rubbing his neck and helping Youngho to take the mask off.

 

“You shouldn’t have stayed, and much less sleeping in that position, your neck must hurt like hell.”

 

“Do you feel okay hyung?” YoonOh says instead, brushing Youngho’s bangs out of his face with a gentle touch, concern alive in his voice and his eyes.

 

Youngho’s heart is beating so fast it feels as if it could jump out of his chest in any moment.

 

“Actually my arm hurts a bit, have you considered diet?” he says, his tone serious yet not quite.

 

YoonOh hits his shoulder and laughs, Youngho never get tired of listening to his laugh and he’s sure that if he had the chance to hear a chorus of angels sing, it still wouldn’t compare to his adorable nurse’s laugh.

 

“You’re so mean hyung” YoonOh says, but he leans in his arm and grabs his hand again, and Youngho couldn’t be more thankful.

 

“Thanks for staying” He says after a while, and it takes him more strength that he thought it would but he raises his free hand and caresses his companion’s hair a bit before putting it down again, “I’d tell you to go home now but it’s almost midnight and that might be dangerous.”

 

“It’s okay hyung” He answers, smiling wide because he has absolutely no mercy on the elder’s heart, “I’ll sleep in the guests room, have a good night.” He kisses Youngho’s forehead before leaving.

 

Youngho stays awake for a few hours more though, he can’t sleep because he’s thinking about YoonOh. About the way he looks under the moonlight, so ethereal, or the way he casually leaned to kiss his forehead. The younger is all over his mind and he can’t help it.

 

When he eventually falls asleep, he dreams of pale skin and dark eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the morning, YoonOh barrows his clothes while his own are in the washing machine. Youngho isn’t sure of how he feels about it because his clothes look so big on YoonOh, it’s both funny and adorable and this time not just his chest but his entire self feels funny _._

 

“Well, that suits you” Youngho says and he really means it.

 

YoonOh is wearing one of his hoodies and sweatpants. The hoodie looks pretty long on him and it covers a little less than half of his thighs, and the sweatpants are meant to be short actually but they cover YoonOh’s knees. And maybe it’s because those are his clothes but to Youngho is such a sweet and beautiful scene, watching him walk around his house wearing his clothes makes a silly part of Youngho feel like YoonOh is _his._ Even if it’s just a bit, even if it’s just for a moment, but the feeling is still there, alive and persistent inside Youngho’s chest.

 

“Oh shut up would you?” YoonOh says before drinking the last of his coffee.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A month later one particular morning Youngho’s mother visits him without a warning, and much to his chagrin she’s carrying a few big albums in her tiny, delicate hands.

 

“You will never guess what I found while cleaning our basement” She says with a big smile on her lips.

 

Oh but Youngho knows, _he fucking knows,_ he could recognize those albums anywhere he goes, they’ve been his worst nightmare ever since he turned 14 and he can’t believe they’re back again.

 

“These” his mother starts, sitting on the couch and putting the albums down on the table in front, she is looking at YoonOh and Youngho needs to hold back so he won’t whine like a child, “are old album, from when Youngho was younger, you’ll love to see how cute he was as a child.”

 

“Mom” he says, his tone tired and he’s thankful that he did not sound as childish as he thought he would.

 

YoonOh laughs and walks to where he is, moving his wheelchair against his will to place him at his mother’s right, and then he moves to sit at her left.

 

“I don’t want to watch this, oh my god” Youngho starts moving his chair away, but his mother’s warning stops him.

 

“Stay right where you are Seo Youngho or I’ll hide your wheelchair’s batteries for a week” she menaces.

 

“You can’t mess with a man’s wheelchair mom, what kind of person are you?”

 

All the while, YoonOh has been quietly laughing at the two of them, covering his mouth with his hand. His eyes are wrinkled on the edges and he’s leaning to the front, his chest rapidly rising and falling without a sound.

 

“You seem to be having too much fun out of this” Youngho says with an eyebrow arched at the younger.

 

YoonOh simply laughs loudly and then says, “I’m sorry, hyung, I can’t help it.”

 

His mother opens an album and coos, and Youngho knows that there is no way out of this nightmare now.

 

“Oh, this picture” she says, using a loving voice as if talking to a baby, “Youngho was two years old, but he was still a mess eating” Her tone is enough to embarrass him way more than the picture.

 

YoonOh leans close and Youngho’s face goes red as soon as he coos as well.

 

“You were so cute, Youngho hyung.”

 

“Wasn’t he?” Youngho’s mother says, and she continuous to embarrass him with baby pictures and baby talking for another half an hour until baby pictures have all been seen.

 

Next album is Youngho’s high school album, _not the high school album, for Christ’s sake, don’t show him the high school album._

 

“Oh my god Youngho the high school album!” his mother squeals, and Youngho whines out loud.

 

“Not that album mom” he begs, but YoonOh, the little shit, seems to be enjoying Youngho’s suffering, because as soon as Youngho begs his mother not to open that Pandora's box, YoonOh begs for the complete opposite.

 

And his mother listens to YoonOh, of course, because she also loves to make her only son suffer.

 

As soon as she opens the album the first picture there is Youngho laying on the grass with his schoolmates, all making ugly faces for the camera, typical of kids.

 

“This was on his first year, if I’m not wrong” she says, smiling fondly at the picture.

 

A few more pictures, each one more and more embarrassing than the last one, and YoonOh says, “Youngho hyung, you never told me you studied abroad.”

 

“We used to live in America” his mother explains, “Youngho was born there and lived there until he turned 16, then we came back to Korea.”

 

“I was so mad” Youngho mumbles, with a sad smile on his face.

 

“Oh yeah, I remember, he didn’t want to come and live here because all of his friends lived in the states.”

 

“Are you still in touch with them?” YoonOh asks casually while looking at Youngho, who quickly looks away.

 

Silence settles heavy and uncomfortable in the room, Youngho’s chest is aching and he feels like puking, fainting, and crying, all at the same time.

 

“Well…” His mother clears her throat, “not really” she says, looking down for a bit before standing up and grabbing the albums once again, “I’m leaving now, call me if you need anything” she leans in to kiss his cheek and before pulling apart she whispers to his ear, “I’m sorry.”

 

YoonOh helps him to get to his room and sit on his bed, he gives Youngho the book he has been reading and places it open on his lap for him to read on his own. A few more minutes in silence and YoonOh says what Youngho has been expecting him to.

 

“Hyung” he calls, and with a heavy sigh Youngho lifts his head to meet the younger’s gaze, “Can I ask what happened?”

 

Youngho grimaces and looks somewhere else, insecure if he’s ready to tell YoonOh, or if YoonOh is ready to know. In the end, a hand on his knee is all of the encouragement he needs.

 

“I… well, us” he mumbles, and takes a deep breath, thinking about how to start, “Uh, when we came back from America we always stayed in touch no matter what, sometimes I’d go there for summer break and it was pretty great, I didn’t really have many friends back then.”

 

“You’re lying” YoonOh interrupts, a little smile tugging at his lips, “In the pictures I saw you seemed like a social butterfly.”

 

“But it’s different, you know?” Youngho explain, a sad smile taking place on his lips again, “you can know many people, but not all of them are your friends.”

 

“Ah, yeah” The younger nods, “I get it, so what happened?”

 

The sad smile turns into a sad grimace, and Youngho swallows the thick knot that took place on his throat before talking again.

 

“Three years ago when I graduated from college, we decided that we should go on a road trip before starting our adulthood, you know, just being us for a week or two before all our jobs and responsibilities swallowed us.”

 

It is too vivid, the blurry, torturing images still engraved on his memory, chasing him until death and making him experience a pain greater than any other. YoonOh is caressing his back, and he takes a moment before talking again.

 

“We had an accident, that’s how I ended in this fucking wheelchair” he says, “I was the only one to survive, YoonOh, seven people in a car and I was the only one to make it out alive, though barely.”

 

“Hyung…” YoonOh’s voice is barely above a whisper, sadness almost corporeal.

 

“You have no idea how much that fucking accident changed my life” he looks away and blinks rapidly, because tears were starting to pool on his eyes, “My American name is Johnny, my parents and everybody I know used to call me Johnny before that. And then it happened, and it’s like I was replaced, no one ever treated me the same, they stopped using Johnny and switched it for Youngho, as if the person they knew was replaced by someone else as well, as if I was a stranger.”

 

There’s a long pause where Youngho just breathes heavily and YoonOh just stares.

 

“I guess, I truly am someone else” he states, his voice breaking.

 

YoonOh sits next to him and hugs his side, leaning his forehead against Youngho’s shoulder, knowing that he doesn’t want to be seen.

 

“You liked it better?” The younger whispers after what feels like hours of silence, “Johnny, I mean, do you like it better than Youngho?”

 

Youngho shrugs.

 

“I don’t know, it felt more like me, I was called that the first 22 years of my life, but at the same time… I feel like that’s not who I am anymore” He sighs, “Now I’m Youngho, the useless quadriplegic.”

 

“Don’t say that” Youngho is startled by how rude YoonOh’s voice sounds, like he is truly offended, “Don’t say that about yourself, you’re not useless. I’ll call you Johnny, Johnny hyung.”

 

Youngho lets out and airy laugh, barely a scoff.

 

“Johnny is my American name, you aren’t supposed to use it with hyung.” It isn’t true, he just wants YoonOh to stop calling him hyung.

 

“Then Johnny alone, I’ll call you Johnny and just that” the determination in YoonOh’s voice really surprises Youngho, but he keeps that comment for himself, “I know it can be hard to adapt to those kind of stuff, my name was changed too, originally I was Jaehyun, until I was like 12, and then they legally changed it to YoonOh for no apparent reason. And I know, hyung, I know the circumstances aren’t the same, and I know I’ll probably never get to feel how you felt, but you are you. No matter how everybody else calls you” he pauses, pushing back to put a hand on Youngho’s heart and look at him dead in the eyes, “You’re here. This is you. No one can take that away no matter what.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaehyun disappears on the weekend –Youngho has found himself calling him Jaehyun without noticing, in every possible situation, it feels intimate between the two of them, using names no one else but themselves put to use and feeling so comfortable about it, almost like a secret arrangement.

 

He worries at first but his mother is there to inform him that he had things to take care of, so Youngho lets it be because of course, YoonOh has his own life apart taking care of this quadriplegic miserable dude that might have a little –and totally hopeless– crush on him.

 

Jaehyun might not even be into guys for what Youngho knows, he should try to get over it soon.

 

He can’t avoid the mix of happiness and sadness that washes over him when Jaehyun shows up on Monday. His face is a bit red and he has some marks on his arms as well.

 

“Someone didn’t use his sunscreen on the beach” Youngho mocks, there’s a tint of poison on his voice because he’s mad at Jaehyun for leaving him for fucking beach, but he covers it as fake disappointment by shaking his head.

 

He doesn’t have the right to be mad because he doesn’t have any kind of relationship with Jaehyun more than the strictly professional and also because he’s just being a selfish bastard if he expects YoonOh to stay all day everyday within these four walls just because he does. YoonOh deserves better than that.

 

“You’re so annoying” YoonOh hits him with a throw pillow in the arm, “I missed you too, Johnny” and then he leans to kiss Youngho’s cheek.

 

His heart feels like a wild horse, running at God knows what speed and he can’t, _he just fucking can’t_ , avoid smiling like the fool he is.

 

“Who said I missed you though” he says, and when Jaehyun turns at him with a judgmental look he laughs, “Okay, maybe a bit.”

 

It is so, so worth it to admit that though, because now Jaehyun’s looking at him smiling. They look at each other with content smiles on their faces for a while before Jaehyun starts moving around once again.

                                                                                       

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the middle of the afternoon and Youngho is laying on his bed, ready to take a nap, when he can’t help himself and starts thinking about Jaehyun. His sun kissed –Or burned, whatever–  skin is absolutely gorgeous and for a painful minute he lets himself think of how things would have been if they’d have met before, when Youngho was sane.

 

He wonders if YoonOh would have felt attracted to him as much as Youngho does, he wonders how would it be to hug him while standing and resting his chin on the top of Jaehyun’s head, he wonders how would it be to nap together, hugging each other, and if YoonOh’s ears would turn red whenever he stole kissed. He wonders how would it feel to walk by the hand and whisper sweet promises into each other’s ear.

 

The mental images and the heavy, sharp feeling they carry are almost too much to bear and Youngho’s chest is aching so much. So many images fly through his head, so vivid they almost look real and he curses himself for being so weak, he curses himself for being sick and he curses himself for having these kind of thoughts with someone who is completely out of reach.

 

Scratch that because Youngho doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to be with someone anymore, much less Jaehyun. Who would want to date a complete asshole that also happens to be goddamn quadriplegic.

 

The younger boy opens Youngho’s door and he feels even more frustrated because he can’t even clean nor move to hide the tears that started falling from his eyes.

 

He is not crying for Jaehyun, not at all, but for the life he lost. He isn’t the same, and even if they say he could be able to walk eventually and go back to be a functional person, not needing someone to help him anymore, he doubts he’ll ever be the same man. Especially since he’s wasting his better years in a fucking wheelchair.

 

Jaehyun rushes to his side and sits next to him, he softly pulls Youngho’s bangs away from his face but the later just hides his face on the pillow, not able to look at the younger at all.

 

“Johnny, what’s wrong?” YoonOh says, and his voice is so soft, so caring, it makes Youngho sob loudly against the pillow.

 

So many things are wrong, Youngho doesn’t know where to start neither he knows if he wants to tell Jaehyun about them at all.

 

He’s tempted to say ‘ _I had a life before’_ but he still has a life now, a shittier one, but still a life.

 

“Johnny you can talk to me, you know that, it’s okay” He is still caressing Youngho’s hair and the older is not sure if he’s happy or if it just makes him way sadder than he already is.

 

He feels and probably looks pathetic crying against the pillow to muffle his sobs, he doesn’t want Jaehyun to look at him in this state, yet he can’t bring himself to tell him to go away.

 

“Too many things are wrong” he says, no daring to lift his head from the pillow. He takes a deep breath and forces the words out, “You can leave now if you want, I’m sorry you have to see me like this.”

 

The bulge in his throat grows when he asks Jaehyun to leave, but he really doesn’t want him to witness it, his weak times are his, so YoonOh doesn’t have to be dragged along.

 

Much to his surprise, Jaehyun helps him turning around so he’s lying on his chest, what makes it easier for him to hide his face on the pillow, and then Youngho hears him taking his shoes off and feels him creeping into bed, hugging to the elder’s back.

 

“I won’t leave you” he whispers against Youngho’s back, “If you don’t want me to look at you, then I won’t look at you, but I won’t leave either. I’m staying here next to you so if you need to talk, or you need me to hold you, or you want me to just lay here without touching you at all, you can say so.” His voice is soft but determined. “But I refuse to leave you. I’m staying by your side.”

 

Youngho cries like a baby until he’s dry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They don’t talk a lot anymore –Not as they used to at least–, mostly because Jaehyun refuses to; Youngho has tried to light up the mood more than once, but he keeps on giving him quick, sad smiles, or simple replies.

 

One day, Jaehyun shows up by the hand of another man.

 

He’s a bit smaller than Jaehyun, his hair's a faded orange and he has a warm smile, he is pretty cute, his eyes big and gentle, his features soft and Youngho’s chest is aching again.

 

“This is Dongyoung hyung” Jaehyun introduces him, not letting go of his hand, “He is my boyfriend.”

 

_Oh was that brick breaking? No hold on I think it was my heart._

 

“It’s nice to meet you.” Youngho puts a smile on his face, and he’s sure it looks genuine because he has had to fake smiles so many times since almost 4 years ago that he’s an expert on the subject already. “My name is Youngho, let me express you my sincere condolences, I’m extremely sorry that you have to stand this annoyance you call boyfriend all the time.”

 

“Youngho hyung!” Jaehyun complains, ears red, but Dongyoung’s laughter is louder. He uses ‘Youngho’ instead of ‘Johnny’ and the older wants to think it’s just because that exchange of old names for their old selves is a secret YoonOh cherishes enough not to show it to the world.

 

Dongyoung is nice; he is so fucking nice Youngho wants to scream. But he’s also thankful that YoonOh has someone who truly loves him by his side.

 

And Youngho knows Dongyoung loves Jaehyun with all of his heart because he can see it on his eyes, on the way he caresses his hair and kisses his temples, in the pride on his voice when he announces that they’ve been together for 2 whole years.

 

Youngho wants to make a joke about them being cheesy but it doesn’t feel right, because YoonOh looks too comfortable in his boyfriend’s arms and he doesn’t want to ruin it for neither of them

 

 _I’m not that selfish,_ he tells himself.

 

He wants to cry again, but he won’t. He holds back the tears because he is strong, he has been through a lot of shit on his life, more than most can take, and he has become strong. He won’t cry, he’ll hold back his feelings as he always does, he’ll put a show of big smiles and _I’m just fine,_ as he always does.

 

But the thing is, after Dongyoung and Jaehyun put him in bed and he makes a joke about them being his new parents, and after they all laugh along happily, he does cry.

 

Youngho cries all night long and he can’t believe he’s being this stupid, crying over someone when he has bigger things to cry for.

 

He remembers all the scenes he imagined before, and how probably YoonOh already lived them all with Dongyoung, and he feels a mix of sadness and joy. At least YoonOh actually gets to be happy.

 

At the beginning he thought Jaehyun was a whim, mere physical attraction that would go away and if not, then it’d remain physical, and nothing more.

 

He doubts on that theory now, feelings aren’t this strong when it comes to whims, feelings aren’t this strong when it comes to crushes.

 

_Am I… in love?_

 

His breath catches on his throat and panic overwhelms him, he can’t be in love. _He can’t._ YoonOh is his nurse, he has a boyfriend, he has a long, prosperous life ahead of him. A life Youngho couldn’t fit himself in as more than just his job.

 

He should try to put distance between them, yes, that’s what he should do, pushing Jaehyun away even in the slightest ways so his already damaged heart wouldn’t hurt more. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to take it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the morning, his eyes are puffy from crying all night and he looks terrible, so he calls Jaehyun to tell him he doesn’t have to come –he’ll ask his mother to help him–, and when he insists he will Youngho makes a story about spending time with his parents.

 

If there’s something good about his mother, is that she’s discreet. She doesn’t ask why he wants her to take care of him neither about his sad state in all day long. It’s only when she’s about to leave that she mentions it.

 

“Whatever it is, you know you can tell me” She’s caressing his hair in that way only she’s able to, “You don’t have to take the entire burden on your own.”

 

Youngho breaks down, crying despite thinking that he was already dry and telling her about what happened. She doesn’t say she feels guilty but Youngho can see it in her eyes, he tries to reassure her, but he has the feeling that it doesn’t quite work.

 

It does help him to talk about it, though. He never expected how good it’d feel to finally let it go, and his mother is not one bit judgmental but totally comprehensive, it helps Youngho feeling way better when between tears, he finally lets out the truth about his –probable– feelings.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next morning Jaehyun looks a bit awkward. He’s smiling at Youngho in the same way he did that first time they met and it’s killing him.

 

“What? A day away and you already feel like a stranger?” He jokes, trying to light up the mood more for YoonOh’s sake than for his own.

 

He timidly smiles, “I thought you were mad.”

 

Youngho is genuinely startled by his words because why on earth would he be mad at YoonOh?

 

“And why’s that?” he asks, curious look on his face.

 

“You didn’t want me to come yesterday?” he says, and his ears are starting to turn red.

 

“I told you I’d spend time with my parents” He excuses himself, because truth to be told, the selfish part of him is mad at him for having a boyfriend and introducing him to Youngho just like that, “You have to stop assuming stuff, YoonOh” he says with a smile.

 

“And you’re calling me YoonOh.”

 

_Oh._

Youngho didn’t expect him to notice because, why would he? But Youngho never expects many things YoonOh ends up doing.

 

“Isn’t that your name?” Youngho gives him an amused look. He’s not really amused, he just wants to change the subject.

 

“Yeah…” He whispers. And there’s an uncomfortable silence where YoonOh just stands there in the doorframe, his backpack still on his shoulder, and his eyes on the floor.

 

“Look at me, Jaehyun” Youngho demands, and the younger does as he’s told, “You’ve been the one acting weird lately okay? Suddenly you don’t want to talk to me anymore when you were the one that pushed me into talking in the first place, you ignore my attempts of jokes and then you bring your boyfriend out of the blue” he says, putting his heart into words in the kindest way he can without revealing his actual feelings, “I just don’t know in what position we are anymore, are we still friends? Since you saw me crying you’re just…”

 

“It’s not that Johnny I promise” The younger cuts him off, “I… You were so sad… I was worried. I thought that bringing someone along, meeting someone new, would make you feel better.”

 

In a way, it did. But not as Jaehyun expected. What did make him feel a bit better was that someone could give Jaehyun what he wasn’t able to. He smiles softly anyway.

 

“It did, thank you.” It’s all he says and Jaehyun is dropping his backpack across the floor and walking towards Youngho.

 

He stands in front of him for a minute, just looking at him in the eyes with a serious expression.

 

And then he sits on Youngho’s legs and hugs him, hiding his face on his neck. Youngho feels breathless.

 

“You’re so hard to read” Jaehyun whispers after a while, his hot breath feels wonderful against Youngho’s skin.

 

“That’s because my handsome features distract you.”

 

Jaehyun lets out a small laugh against his neck.

 

“Now I mean it this time, have you considered diet?”

 

“Youngho hyung!” Jaehyun laughs.

 

 

 

 

 

Hyeon’s daughter, Hye, is visiting Youngho a few days after his reconciliation with Jaehyun and the older is pretty happy to see her again. They sit on Youngho’s background to talk comfortably, they’ve been friends ever since her mother started working as Youngho’s private nurse, they’re close in age and they get along pretty well.

 

Hye tells him about what happened and then they just talk about everything and nothing. She leaves at midday because she has to go for her son at school but when she’s on the door she promises to call.

 

Jaehyun is cutting something in the kitchen, Youngho goes to him and fits himself in front of the breakfast bar.

 

“What are we having for lunch?” he asks, he’s in a good mood because there has been so long since the last time he got to talk to a friend just as comfortably.

 

“Uh, I’m making Lasagna” He answers, he sounds distracted, his voice is small and a bit spiritless.

 

“Did anything happen?” Youngho asks, concerned about his well being, the state of sadness doesn’t fit Jaehyun at all.

 

“Ah, no, no” He says, shaking his head, “I’m just on my world, sorry.”

 

“Is there anything annoying you Jaehyun?” He says, a bit of concern filtrating through his voice.

 

“No, really, I’m fine” He says, more convincing this time, “Let’s change the subject then, you never told me you have a girlfriend.” He waves the knife he’s been using to cut the vegetables so is now pointing to the door, and he wiggles his eyebrows with a suggestive look.

 

“That’s because I have three girlfriends, imagine if you to called one with the wrong name, it’d be a mess” He shakes his head, and Jaehyun’s face is so startled he break into a furious fit of laughter.

 

Youngho hasn’t laugh like this in a long time, his head thrown back and his stomach hurting, tears are pooling on his eyes as well. It feels so good to laugh after crying so much but it’s just ironic that both crying and laughing are caused by the same person.

 

“Youngho!” Jaehyun complains, laughing a bit.

 

And Youngho loves the fact that whenever Jaehyun’s gonna whine like the big baby he is, he uses his Korean name instead of Johnny, and most of the time adds hyung as to piss him off. He absolutely loves it all.

 

_I think I absolutely love him. So much it’s killing me._

 

“She’s not my girlfriend” he shakes his head, and cleans one of the tears falling from his eyes, “What made you think such a thing, God” He laughs a bit more.

 

“Stop mocking me, you’re so mean” Jaehyun uses his high pitched complaining voice, he washes his hands and dries them in a towel quickly before moving to clean Youngho’s tears.

 

The later smiles contently as Jaehyun runs his thumbs through his face.

 

“You always say that” Youngho talks after the contact between them is over.

 

“Because you’re always so mean” Jaehyun answers, yet he’s smiling. After a small pause, he says, “If she’s not your girlfriend, who is she anyway?”

 

“Is someone jealous?” Youngho teases and delights himself in the way YoonOh’s ears turn a bright red, “Don’t worry, I’m not hiring another nurse, you know you’re the only one in my heart.”

 

And Youngho means it so much. YoonOh has totally taken his heart away, it’s not his anymore, it belongs to the younger. And how unfair that is, because YoonOh’s heart can’t be his.

 

YoonOh smiles at him in such a fond way that Youngho has to hold himself back so he won’t tell him he thinks he loves him.

 

“You’re such a tease, aren’t you?”

 

“I proudly am” is Youngho’s answer, “when it comes to Hye, though, she’s my old nurse’s daughter. We met because of her mother and we became friends, she’s really nice” He explains, “And her son is just adorable, he even calls me uncle.”

 

Youngho doesn’t understand why Jaehyun’s ears are still red, but he lets it past after Jaehyun mumbles a quiet ‘I see’ and a comfortable silence settles between them.

 

Youngho watches him as he moves around the kitchen. In times like this, he can’t believe how lucky he is to even know Jaehyun face to face. Such a wonderful person would seem as nothing more than a myth, but he was real, here, in Youngho’s kitchen preparing lunch for both of them.

 

It always catches him off guard how beautiful in so many different ways Jaehyun can be. He is not just physically beautiful –though beautiful is not a word that Youngho thinks suits him well, but no word at all could describe him properly– he is also one of the most amazing persons Youngho has ever meet, so kind, so affectionate and soft, he seems totally unreal even when he’s standing right in front of the older.

 

He’s also pretty talented. He has a kitchen ability that would put a master chef to shame, he’s one of the most capable nurses Youngho has ever met and Jesus he has met so many. He can sing like angels too, Youngho heard him once when Jaehyun thought he wasn’t paying attention. It constantly shocks him how perfect Jaehyun is, and Youngho thinks not for the first time that he’d give his life for a day in Dongyoung’s shoes.

 

“What?” Jaehyun says after he caught Youngho staring.

 

For the first time, Youngho doesn’t reply with a joke. He feels like being honest today.

 

“You’re really amazing, thank you for staying with me.”

 

Jaehyun looks like he’s about to cry, but that’s okay, because Youngho feels the same way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They say he’s dying.

 

But he doesn’t get it, because three months ago when they made the check up he was just great.

 

He doesn’t want to tell Jaehyun. Maybe, he should dismiss him and find someone else to help him because he can’t hide this sort of things from his nurse. But he really doesn’t want to tell Jaehyun about this.

 

His mother has other plans though; she’s crying a lot while hugging Youngho to her chest and telling him to call Jaehyun, to tell him everything. Everything including his feelings.

 

“That’d be just like blackmail, mom” he says, his voice shaky because he’s scared. He doesn’t want to die. “I think I’m in love with you oh by the way I’m dying.” His voice breaks, and his mother hugs him to her chest even tighter and says nothing.

 

Youngho is not ready to tell Jaehyun. He doesn’t have an idea of what his reaction will be and he’s scared, he even thinks about keeping it a secret for a few days but as soon as he reaches the house Jaehyun is booming him with questions. He can’t lie. Youngho can’t lie.

 

“How was it? What did they say?” YoonOh asks, as if it’s not the big deal.

 

And damn it, it shouldn’t be the big fucking deal, he was just fine, he was taking all his medicines, he was doing therapy, then what the fuck went wrong.

 

Jaehyun takes his silence as a bad sign and then stands in front of Youngho, his shoulders stiff and his face serious.

 

“Johnny,” He says, “How was it?”

 

“I am dying” He answers, looking at Jaehyun’s shoes instead of his face, “my lungs are getting weaker everyday Jaehyun, I’m dying. The deterioration is so fast, they don’t know how much more I’m gonna last.”

 

For the second time, Jaehyun sits on his laps and hides his face on his neck. But this time he’s crying. Sobbing so loud he quite reminds Youngho of his mother.

 

Youngho cries as well, finding the strength to circle Jaehyun’s hips with his arms. This might not be the better life, but he’s alive, he has his parents, he has friends, he doesn’t want to die.

 

But he will anyway, eventually.

 

Jaehyun decides he will stay the night. Dongyoung brings him some clothes and Youngho is quite surprised that he isn’t jealous nor angry, it looks like he doesn’t know Youngho is dying yet either, because they talk and joke a bit before he’s leaving.

 

Youngho feels good to know Dongyoung will be with Jaehyun to hold him when he’s no longer around.

 

Later on, when Youngho is laying on his bed, unable to sleep, Jaehyun knocks at his door, but he opens even before Youngho can answer. He’s wearing nothing but a big sweater and boxers and Youngho feels his lungs fail even more, his recently dyed –and freshly cut– dark brown hair and his black clothes contrasting perfectly against his pale skin.

 

“I can’t sleep” He says, his voice shaky and barely above a whisper, “Do you mind if I stay with you tonight?”

 

Youngho wants to jump out of bed and dance. He wants to laugh and hug him tight. But all he does is giving him a little smile –Principally because he can’t do any of the other things he wants to do.

 

“I can’t sleep either” He says, “A bit of company would be nice.”

 

Jaehyun walks towards him and climbs into bed, he curls himself next to Youngho and helps him wrapping his arms around his waist, he buries his face in Youngho’s chest, and Youngho buries his on YoonOh’s hair, it smells like lilacs and it’s so nice he wants to cry again. He falls asleep in a few breathes, instead.

 

Waking up with Jaehyun between his arms is better than he could have ever imagined. They cuddled all night and when YoonOh wakes up, a few minutes after Youngho, he nuzzles his collarbones and caresses his back.

 

“Good morning” He says, his voice is raspy from sleep and his hair is so messy, the image is so cute Youngho has to use all of his will power so he won’t kiss him right there.

 

“Good morning” He says instead, and nuzzles into Jaehyun’s hair.

 

They stay like that for around half an hour, just cuddling, wrapped around each other in the comfort of Youngho’s bed, the contact so innocent yet intimate it almost scares him, until Jaehyun’s stomach growls. Youngho lets out a small laugh and before he realizes he’s kissing the top of younger’s head. He panics for half a second, but Jaehyun doesn’t give any reaction so he discards his actions as if they weren’t important.

 

“You should make breakfast, your stomach sounds pretty angry” Youngho says against YoonOh’s hair, but the younger just nuzzles against his neck and hums.

 

The sensation of YoonOh’s lips brushing against the sensitive skin of his neck, plus the vibration that’s created when he hums almost make Youngho moan. He also has to use all of his will power, and think about the grossest things in the world to stop the bulge it’s attempting to form in his thin boxers.

 

After a few more seconds, Jaehyun finally leaves bed not before pecking Youngho’s cheek and mumbling an ‘I’ll be right back.’

 

The spot on the bed Jaehyun was on is still warm and Youngho rolls a bit so he can be on it. It smells like lilacs, and it really is so, so nice Youngho wants to bury himself in the essence and disappear.

 

He permitted himself to be weak, but that can’t happen again. Not for his well being – because there’s nothing he would enjoy more than telling Jaehyun he loves him, and maybe have him until the day he dies – but for Jaehyun’s.

 

If they happen to wrap into something that would end in disaster for the younger. Even if they don’t, Jaehyun will be hurt anyway.

 

Youngho is going to die, there is no way around that. He knows. Jaehyun know.

 

He has to lessen the damage he’ll create, and he doesn’t want Jaehyun to be affected. At least, not a bit more.

 

But what he doesn’t know is how to specifically lessen the damage at all. There aren’t many things he can do, and he surely won’t try to be an asshole to shoo him away, he doesn’t want his last impression to be that, but he does want to protect him, though.

 

Jaehyun sits next to him on the table and they take breakfast with the exact same clothes they used to sleep. In fact, they spend most of the day cuddling on the couch watching movies, still with the same clothes they used to sleep.

 

It’s a lazy day, and Youngho is enjoying it, but not quite, his mind still trying to find a way to politely push Jaehyun away.

 

“I will stay tonight as well Johnny” YoonOh tells him, he doesn’t even bother to ask if Youngho is okay with that.

 

“What about Dongyoung? Will you leave him alone?” he asks, in his first polite attempt to tell Jaehyun to leave.

 

“He’s out of town, visiting his parents” It’s YoonOh’s answer and Youngho’s attempt to kick him out fails.

 

When they’re cuddling in Youngho’s bed again that night, he breathes in the essence of Jaehyun’s shampoo one more time before speaking, because he knows that he’s about to create a disaster, yet it’s for Jaehyun’s well being. For the person he loves’ well being.

 

“Jaehyun?” He calls, just to make sure he’s awake.

 

Jaehyun hums against his chest in response.

 

“I don’t think you should stay” he says, the words have stings that hurt his throat on their way out.

 

Jaehyun stays still for a minute. Youngho starts to wonder if he fell asleep when he finally speaks.

 

“I don’t want to go” It’s all he says.

 

“But it would be better if you do” The pain inside his chest is so big he feels like he can barely take it, “It’s not good to get this close, because…”

 

“Don’t say it” Jaehyun’s voice is shaking and Youngho can tell he’s in the verge of tears. “Do not say it Youngho, please.”

 

“I’m sorry” He kisses Jaehyun’s hair, “I am so, so sorry Jaehyun.”

 

YoonOh doesn’t say anything, so Youngho goes on.

 

“But we should really distant each other now, for the best. Your best.”

 

“That’s not something you decide, you can’t just say what’s the best for me” Jaehyun pulls back so he can look at Youngho in the eyes and he looks absolutely perfect in the dim light of the night.  “I want this, I want to be with you.”

 

Youngho’s heart is so heavy at those words, if Jaehyun only knew…

 

“Don’t say that” Youngho grimaces and looks away, over Jaehyun’s head.

 

“Johnny” He calls, and when he gets no answer he tries again, “Youngho, look at me please.”

 

Youngho takes a minute to collect himself before looking down at his companion, who shifts a bit so they’re at the same level, facing each other.

 

Jaehyun takes a deep breath before he speaks.

 

“I think…” He starts, looking at Youngho dead in the eye, but then he grimaces and corrects himself, “No, I don’t think, I’m pretty sure actually.”

 

Youngho’s hearts is beating as fast as a bullet train while he looks at Jaehyun, they’re so close that Youngho could lean a bit and connect their lips. The younger caresses his hair before continuing.

 

“I’m pretty sure… I’m in love with you.”

 

Youngho’s brain probably explodes inside his head, and his heart is beating so fast it might jump out of his chest. He is happy and sad at the same time because he can’t have Jaehyun even if he loves him back.

 

Youngho doesn’t intent to lie and tell him he doesn’t love him, maybe Jaehyun already knows, but he doesn’t have an idea of what to say.

 

“Aren’t you gonna say anything?” Jaehyun says, and the vulnerability in his eyes and words pushes Youngho to reassure him.

 

He puts his hand flat on Jaehyun’s cheek and leans in for a kiss.

 

His whole world feels like it’s spinning while he finally tastes those lips he has been dying for.

 

They’re so soft and sweet, they kiss slowly but passionately. Youngho licks Jaehyun’s lower lip and a moan escapes his mouth while he parts them to give the older all of the access he wants, the sound is so beautiful Youngho’s head spins while he leans closer.

 

When they separate, gasping for air, reality hits him once again and he wants to scream because he really can’t have this. He should be pushing Jaehyun away, not kissing him.

 

“Jaehyun…”

 

“Don’t ruin it, Youngho” He whispers, being dead serious, “I’m a grown man, I can make my own decisions, and I want this.”

 

They stay awake longer than anyone, even themselves, would’ve expected. Just kissing, cuddling, talking.

 

Youngho has never felt this kind of peaceful happiness before.

 

He tells Jaehyun everything. He tells him about his crush on him from the very beginning and, because of Jaehyun’s own request, he tells him about how he felt when he met Dongyoung. Jaehyun wants to hide it but Youngho can see the tears pooling on his eyes when Youngho mentions that he’s happy because Jaehyun has someone who loves him so much and will take care of him when he’s not around –Not like Youngho takes care of Jaehyun though, it’s actually the opposite but whatever.

 

Jaehyun also tells Youngho. He tells him about the realization of his feelings and how overwhelmed he felt by them, how he couldn’t stop them despite he tried to look at Youngho as simply a friend, but it hit him like a grenade explosion how much he cared for the older, so he was distant because he was afraid of those feelings. He also tells Youngho about the time Hye came, and that he was so furious –Youngho can’t stop his laughter at that– he says he has never been a jealous person so it really surprised him to feel that way about anyone at all.

 

Youngho is worried about Dongyoung, he doesn’t want to hurt him neither ruin his relationship with Jaehyun. But the younger reassures him that it’s okay, that they’ll be fine, and pampers him with thousands of small kisses all over his face.

 

Before falling asleep, Jaehyun makes Youngho promise that he won’t talk or even think about _that._  He says that they deserve to be happy as long as they can, and then he buries his face on Youngho’s neck and softly sings him to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s one of the best –If not the best – weeks of Youngho’s life. Every day is a lazy day with Jaehyun.

 

They don’t actually do much, they cuddle, they eat, they kiss, they read for each other, they kiss, they listen to music, they kiss.

 

Youngho refuses to go out of the house whenever Jaehyun asks if they should, and instead he suggests something else to keep them distracted.

 

“Isn’t Dongyoung back in town yet?” Youngho asks, leaving a small trail of kisses from Jaehyun’s nape to the side of his neck.

 

The younger wiggles to turn around so they face each other.

 

“He arrived two days ago.”

 

“Why didn’t you go to welcome him?” Youngho is a bit surprised. More than a bit, to be honest.

 

“Because I want to spend all of my time with you” he answers, and pecks his lips a few times.

 

Youngho is in bliss. He doesn’t want to be, actually, because they’re cheating Dongyoung, but he can’t help it, he’s too happy with Jaehyun between his arms.

 

He kisses him one more time, long and passionate, tongue and all, and then he pulls back to connect their foreheads.

 

“That’s not okay, baby” He uses the pet name and feels Jaehyun melting in his arms, “You should go and welcome him properly.”

 

Youngho doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want Jaehyun to go away but that’s the best he can do, because he should be with his boyfriend and keep a functional relationship, and even if he hates it, for YoonOh’s well being Youngho is willing to go through hell as many times as necessary.

 

Jaehyun kisses him a few more times before nodding. “Okay, I need more clothes anyway.”

 

“Oh but you can always wear mine.”

 

“Yeah, because you love that, pervert.” They laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Jaehyun is back it’s 6 pm, Youngho didn’t expect him to come back until the next day so he’s quite surprised.

 

“Back so soon?” He asks from the comfort of his bed, his mother waves him goodbye from behind Jaehyun before leaving them alone. 

 

“Yes… Dongyoung was mad about what happened but now he understands” Jaehyun explains and Youngho now gets the sadness in his eyes.

 

He probably told Dongyoung about _that_ , though he’s not sure if he told Dongyoung about _them_. It’s better if he didn’t.

 

“We had a quite strong fight, he said some… mean things, I really didn’t want to stay longer” Jaehyun says.

 

“I’m sorry Jaehyun, come here” Youngho calls, trying to shoo away his sadness and holding back his desire to punch Dongyoung, “I want to cuddle and pillows aren’t half as good as you are. You’ve totally spoiled me, Jung Jaehyun.”

 

 

 

 

They order Chinese food and watch their favorite movie in Youngho’s room. When it finishes, Jaehyun throws the empty food containers in the trashcan and comes to curl next to Youngho’s side.  

 

He’s wearing nothing but boxers and despite this isn’t the first time Youngho sees him this way it never seems to get less breathtaking.

 

“You are so absolutely beautiful.” He accentuates every word, while kissing Jaehyun’s face multiple times “I am so in love with you.”

 

He kisses Jaehyun’s temple, forehead and hair while Jaehyun giggles like a school girl, Youngho can see one of his red ears in the dim light of the room so he kisses it as well.

 

“The cutest person that has ever existed” Youngho keeps on praising, and YoonOh’s hold tightens on Youngho’s shoulders, “I love you so, so much.”

 

“I love you too, Johnny” He says, planting one single kiss of Youngho’s neck, “So much.”

 

They kiss for the nth time, it’s slow but so hot it burns, one of Jaehyun’s hands roaming the elder’s chest while the other holds him by the hair. A few minutes into it and he moves a bit forwards, their crotches brushing together, making them both moan against each other’s lips.

 

“We should stop now” Youngho warns, but not even he seems convinced through the haze of arousal.

 

“Are you sure you want to stop?” Jaehyun says, rolling his hips to create friction again and Youngho growls lowly, his mind going blank.

 

This is his first actual sexual encounter in almost 3 years, and it feels too intense –those making out sessions with Jaehyun in the past week can’t count since they didn’t touch.

 

Jaehyun moves one of Youngho’s hands to his ass and the older squeezes it while they kiss, the vibration of Jaehyun’s moan against his lips also has an effect _somewhere else,_ and Youngho is moaning against his lover’s lips too.

 

In a second, Jaehyun is straddling Youngho’s hips while they kiss furiously, desperately. He moves his hips against Youngho’s to create friction and it’s _absolutely delicious,_ yet not really enough.

 

YoonOh suddenly breaks the kiss and leaves the bed, Youngho moans.

 

“No” he fakes a cry, “don’t go.”

 

It’s worth the shame because Jaehyun’s laughing. Everything is worth Jaehyun’s laugh.

 

“I’ll be right back” he says, pecking Youngho’s lips before leaving.

 

He comes back just a minute later, he has a bottle of lube in his hand and it hits Youngho like a train that this is really happening. The thing he has dreamt so much about, it’s actually about to happen. There’s a sudden feeling of insecurity filling his chest, it’s like up until the moment his eyes landed on the bottle that’s in Jaehyun’s hand his mind couldn’t process it, and he thinks it’d be better to stop.

 

However, Jaehyun sits on top of him to kiss him again, and the thoughts of stopping are replaced by Youngho wondering if he’ll ever get tired of kissing this beautiful boy that turns his world upside down.

 

He’s breathless kissing Jaehyun, and he’s even more than breathless when the younger helps him out of his boxers.

 

It’s not Jaehyun’s first time seeing him completely naked, he is the one who bathes him after all, but still feels so new, and this is also the first time Youngho is _hard_ , so it’s obviously way more intimate _._

Jaehyun stares at him with hungry eyes that cause Youngho to shiver, then takes him in one hand and strokes him a few times, teasing the large. Youngho feels like he might as well faint because the pleasure is just too strong, he’s letting out whines and moans and he can see the lust in Jaehyun’s dark eyes.

 

He takes off his own boxers and Youngho can’t breathe neither can take his eyes off him. Even down there he is beautiful and Youngho would be lying if he said he doesn’t want to suck him off.

 

YoonOh pushes their cocks together and masturbates them in a slow motion that is driving both of them crazy, but he lets go a bit too quickly and Youngho moans in frustration, when he lifts his head to see what Jaehyun’s doing he almost actually faints.

 

The sight of the younger straddling him, inserting one finger into himself has Youngho thinking that he might really come untouched. The first one followed by another and another, Jaehyun works himself open efficiently and Youngho is just there enjoying the view.

 

“Are you ready?” Jaehyun asks.

 

“Are you for real?” is Youngho’s reply and Jaehyun’s laughing.

 

He helps Youngho to sit against the headboard and then coats his dick with lube, gives it a few strokes before holding it still and sinking on it in one go. Youngho moans so loud it might as well be a scream.

 

Jaehyun leans down to kiss him slowly while he stretches, Youngho is mumbling praises but then without a single word of warning, Jaehyun starts moving.

 

At first he finds purchase on Youngho’s shoulders, just lifting himself a bit and falling over Youngho’s dick again, slow and steady, both of them panting loudly with each rise and fall. But then, Jaehyun grows desperate and starts moving in different ways in all directions, hitting every angle it is possible to be hit, and moaning and _mewling_ so shamelessly loud Youngho believes he could come from the sound alone.

 

The image of Jaehyun fucking himself on him and enjoying it so much it’s so absolutely delightful Youngho can’t bring himself to look away. His face is a painting of pleasure, with his lips parted, his eyes shut and his head just slightly thrown back, his messy dark hair falling on his forehead. It’s almost too much to bear, the older is not sure how he can take it.

 

Youngho’s hands rest on Jaehyun’s hips, but he somehow finds the strength to move his right hand and wrap it around the Younger’s cock, jacking him off slowly, because it’s not like he’s suddenly cured, but when Jaehyun moans so sweetly loud at the pressure of the elder’s hand over his dick all the years of therapy seem to really worth the trying.

 

Jaehyun becomes even more eager every second, fucking into Youngho’s hand and then falling over his dick, taking all that’s to be taken and releasing beautiful, low sounds to let the older know how much he is enjoying it.

 

He comes not much later, moaning ‘Youngho’ countless times and it’s so absolutely delightful. Youngho comes just seconds after, overwhelmed by Jaehyun’s heat hugging him so thigh and the lewd sounds filling the room, he finds his own release buried deep inside the younger.

 

They stay in silence for a while, just catching their breaths. YoonOh is thrown over Youngho’s chest and he hasn’t moved an inch, Youngho Junior still buried inside of him.

 

Youngho uses his left hand and remove the hair out of Jaehyun’s face –the right one is covered in Jaehyun’s cum– and then kisses the top of his head.

 

“You were amazing, baby” he compliments, kissing Jaehyun’s hair again and again.

 

Jaehyun kisses his chest and his neck, and both moan by overstimulation when he stands up and Youngho’s dick falls from his ass. The younger is quick to clean them up and once he finishes he curls by Youngho’s side as he always does. He whispers an ‘I love you’ and waits until Youngho says ‘I love you too’ to fall asleep.

 

And it’s then, in the middle of the night with Jaehyun cuddling next to him after what might as well have been the best sex of his life, that Youngho decides that really, cure is worse than sickness.

 

He wishes he had told his mother to hire someone else, because then, he wouldn’t be hurting as much as he is.

 

He wanted Jaehyun, and here he has it next to him, sleeping together like two lovebirds. And Youngho holds back the tears because cure is really worse than sickness.

 

He doesn’t want to lose Jaehyun, and he doesn’t want to leave him alone after making him feel this much. Youngho is a mess and now he can’t help it, so he begs to whatever is above, “ _please, please let me have this, let me have him, don’t tear us apart.”_

But whatever’s above doesn’t listen. Or doesn’t give a damn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A week and a half later, it still feels like a nothing but a vivid dream, his whole life has been feeling like nothing but a vivid dream, and Youngho is positive it can’t last much longer.

 

That could also be because he has been feeling particularly tired. No, exhausted would be a better word. It’s been a while now since he noticed, but he didn’t pay much mind before.

 

At least not until they told him what it _meant._

 

Tonight Jaehyun is spending the night in his own house, with Dongyoung, because Youngho’s mother wanted to stay with her son for tonight. Since she though Jaehyun was staying in the guest's room and in order to keep discretion –and avoiding letting her know what was really happening– they decided that the best would be for YoonOh to leave.

 

Youngho also wanted to avoid the disappointed look on her face if she ever found out, because she knew about Dongyoung, and it wasn’t hard to guess what their relationship would make him feel.

 

Youngho’s bed does feel a lot bigger and colder now that he has it all for his own after what it felt like years, though, but he avoids thinking further into it and falls sound asleep instead.

 

 

 

 

 

It’s 2 am when it happens, he knows because the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes is the clock next to his bed.

 

How curious that just when Jaehyun left, it happens, as if his lungs were waiting for him to be away to give out. But it’s better this way. Better if Jaehyun isn’t around.

 

Youngho is sad that his mother is around to witness it, though.

 

He gathers all of the straight on his body so he can lift his arm and touch the bottom close to his bed that rings the bell outside so his mother knows what’s happening.

 

Youngho can’t breathe, yet the essence of lilacs is there, lingering to his nose.

 

The pain is so strong he can barely move, and he remembers that only time something similar happened when Jaehyun was around and he actually stayed with Youngho until he woke up. Tears are rolling down his face but it’s not the physical pain that causes it, but the pain of losing the ones he loves.

 

He vaguely registers his mother coming into the room and Youngho wants to cry harder because he knows this is his end, he tries to form words, to tell his mother how much he loves her, but he isn’t quite sure if the words come out right. His heart aches for her, she doesn’t deserve this.

 

“Your life flashes before your eyes” it’s not a myth, it’s true, and Youngho quite wants to laugh because he never believed it but the incredible amount of pain and the lack of air won’t allow him.

 

Youngho remembers everything in a second, every single minute of his life, but then just some memories linger more than the rest –It’s like remembering and forgetting, all at the same time–, like when his dad fell sick and Youngho was so horribly terrified to lose him, or when he first fell in love.

 

Meeting Jaehyun.

 

Kissing Jaehyun for the first time.

 

Making love to Jaehyun.

 

Loving Jaehyun.

 

It’s funny how between so many memories, Jaehyun is the one that remains the most. Youngho jumps to the conclusion then that Jaehyun is the one big love of his life, and he prays he’s not Jaehyun’s, because that would be so painful for him.

 

Youngho knows he’s being moved around. He knows he’s making sounds, gasping for air in mere a reflex even if he knows it’s hopeless, but he can’t comprehend anything besides his own life thoughts right now.

 

Panic attacks him in the second he realizes that he’s not just dying. He’s dying without thanking Jaehyun for being the greatest love one could ask for. He’s dying without the chance to look at his smile once again neither the chance to tell him he loves him one more time.

 

He’s glad he said ‘I love you’ so many times when he waved Jaehyun goodbye earlier on, but no matter how many times Youngho says those words, they never seem to be enough to express the overwhelming feeling inside his chest.

 

Youngho is thankful though, more than anything, because despite his shitty life he had Jaehyun. And even if it was for a short time, every hour with him was worth 10 happy long lives.

 

He also remembers those times he thought he would give his life for a day in Dongyoung’s shoes and _oh, you really should be careful with what you wish for_ but somehow that just makes him more thankful, because he had Jaehyun for many days, and experienced actual happiness.

 

So Youngho thanks whatever is above.

 

_Even if I have to go, thanks for letting me have him, those were the happiest times of my life. Let him be way happier though, cause he deserves nothing less._

 

He’s not completely sad, because he takes with him the image of Jaehyun, the owner of his heart. Young, happy, beautiful and everlasting.

 

_I was right; his laugh is twenty times more beautiful than their sing._

**Author's Note:**

> Well, uh, I'm sorry *nervous laugh* the end may have been a bit rushed and the overall plot very poor but oh well isn't real life a bit like that too? I didn't mention it before because it would have given me away but this might ((totally)) be inspired by me before you.
> 
> Also, I'm not really used to these kind of stuff but I've got a [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/DumbWoojae), feel free to hit me up if you wanna talk ((or send hate)) kiddos.


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